What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
