dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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