our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
