I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My ass is underappreciated
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
