We named our party play list daddy issues
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
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There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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