SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
