Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
