if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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