hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
