Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
