I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
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He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
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Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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