keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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