God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
