So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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