And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
