Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
