Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
