why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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