And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my being single is dangerous.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
