I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
