$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
