Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
