Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Randomize
