I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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