we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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