I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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