I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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