I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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