On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
