true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
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I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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