Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
