shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
