I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.