I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.