I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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