Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
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