so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
