Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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