I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
