did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
