guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
