fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
