so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
