Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
