Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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