based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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