I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
