I'm drive I can fine osifer
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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