I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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