You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
this beer tastes like vomit already
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
