Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
