He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
