We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
