I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
