before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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