Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize
