When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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