I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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