he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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